paradoxum

Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was interviewed last night on 60 Minutes. I was mesmerized during the whole interview. He was absolutely incredible. He is as decent a man as we've ever had on that bench. At the very end of the interview, Steve Kroft asked him a question and Thomas' answer brought me to tears:

"The Supreme Court is a place where a number of justices have changed their views on things. Is it possible that over the next ten or fifteen years you could change?" Kroft asks.

"My journey has over the years been almost that of a prodigal son where you journey away from your roots in the South. And now, I've returned to my roots," Thomas says. "And that's why I entitled my book 'My Grandfather's Son.' I have returned to my grandfather and to the way he raised me. And I think that's home and that's where I'll stay."

I sat there and tears just poured down my cheeks. That is my story. It would be the most fair question in the world for someone to ask me if my views will change. I have been, perhaps, the most free spirit I have ever known. I absolutely love learning and that involves asking questions, and of that, we know, there is no end. I will never stop asking questions, but I have seemed to reach a place where I've found a simplicity that is content with answers that are not as complicated and nuanced as I used to think they had to be. I lost this simplicity a few years ago, and thinking myself to be wise, I became a fool.

One of the reasons that his words hit me so hard was that I loved my Grandfather and love my father deeply. They are the two greatest men I've ever known. I'll never forget the honor I felt when people would say, "you're just like your Granddad" or, "you're just like your dad". They were giants, and I had hopes of being a giant like them. Being like them was never a burden for me to carry. It was an honor. I never had any doubts that I would be like them. Ah, the naivety of youth. As I grew older, I realized I could not be who they were. I think this hit me full force in 1990 or 1991 and thus began my journey into a wilderness that would last a good 15 years.

In July, after a difficult staff retreat with element, I had an afternoon alone sitting on a porch overlooking Lake Wylie. I read my Bible and prayed all afternoon. In the midst of that time, I read Hosea 11:11-12: "They shall come trembling like birds from Egypt; and like doves from the land of Assyria, and I will return them to their homes declares the Lord." At that moment, it was as clear as a bell to me that God was telling me, it's time to come home. I was astonished at the clarity of his voice. I began to weep although I had no idea what this meant.  What was "home" for me? I was the real Philip Nolen..."a man without a country"! Over the next month God made it clear what "home" was for me. Home was my roots. Home was the faith of my father and grandfather. Home was the freedom to let go of the anger, frustration, pride and fear that had driven me into the wilderness and kept me there for so long. Home was the embracing of my roots and all those who make up that image in my mind of "home".

And so, I think the words of Clarence Thomas slightly changed, are an apt description of my journey.

My journey has over the years been almost that of a prodigal son where you journey away from your roots in the church. And now, I've returned to my roots...which is why I should change my blog title to, "My Father's Son" (or write a book:). I have returned to my father and grandfather and to the way they raised me. And I think that's home and that's where I'll stay.